– What is codependency?
No single definition is widely accepted, and codependency is not a formal diagnosis. The condition most often involves low self-esteem; a lack of boundaries with other people; and excessive focus on controlling or “fixing” others while suppressing or denying our own emotions, needs and wants. People are generally drawn to codependency support when they, a partner, a counselor, or someone else close to them recognizes serious problems related to undervaluing themselves; needing the approval of others; using manipulation to gain approval; and getting and remaining entangled in others’ lives.
Codependency emerged as a concept when counselors treating spouses and family members of alcoholics developed the outline of a condition they described as being “co-chemically dependent” on alcohol. Over time, use of the term expanded to cover patterns of behavior that often develop in people enmeshed in relationships.
– How does codependency develop?
Many believe that codependency arises from inadequate self-love and self-regard, most often in response to early trauma and unmet childhood needs. People seek to fill the resulting emotional void from outside themselves, and so develop an over-reliance on others to meet their emotional needs. Many of us in AHA find that shame and high sensitivity have played a great part in the development of our codependency.
– How can I tell specifically whether codependency is harming me?
People involved with support groups typically find that many of the codependency patterns on the left side of this chart describe their situations very closely. (The chart also sketches, on the right, patterns that can replace those of codependency. Disregard the references to a “Higher Power” if they don’t fit with your outlook.)
– How can I get started learning about codependency?
Two books that members have found very useful are Facing Codependence, by Pia Mellody, and Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. Neither book is recent. Conquering Shame and Codependency and Codependency for Dummies, second edition, both by Darlene Lancer, are more up to date. All of these books invoke religion or a Higher Power to some degree. The Alternative 12 Steps: A Secular Guide to Recovery, by Martha Cleveland and Arlys G., deals with recovery from various conditions, including codependency.
– Is codependency an addiction?
There are similarities and differences between codependency and addiction to alcohol or other chemicals. A big distinction is that abstaining isn’t a healthy option when it comes to dealing with people. But the compulsions, their origins, and the painful results of codependency and chemical addiction can be very similar. We have found a 12-step program adapted from those of Alcoholics Anonymous and Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) to be a crucial pillar of our advancement.
AHA
– What is AHA?
We are the Agnostic, Humanist, and Atheist Codependency Support Group. Matt H. of Chicago started the group in January 2021 after finding no secular alternative to CoDA, a conventional 12 Step program employing prayer and invoking the need to depend on a “Higher Power.” From a tiny, slow start, AHA has grown to several Zoom meetings a week, sometimes involving dozens of participants at a time. These are supplemented by lively and eclectic online chats on the WhatsApp and Discord apps. This range of activities enables people to participate as much as, and in whatever ways, they wish.
– Is AHA part of CoDA?
No. We’re not affiliated with the CoDA central office. We don’t restrict readings to authorized CoDA literature. And we don’t as a group use prayer or the concept of a “Higher Power.” Many participants have been involved in CoDA or other traditional 12 step fellowships; many others have not. Although AHA began and runs in contrast to CoDA, much of our culture and many of our practices trace back to nonspiritual aspects of conventional 12 Step programs.
– Who takes part in AHA?
All kinds of people who want to improve their outlook and their relationships participate. We’re a highly diverse group from several continents. Largely for historical reasons, we include a larger minority of men than many codependency groups do. What we share is deep respect for one another, and a fervent desire to improve our own lives.
BENEFITS
– What can AHA do for me?
We make some very big Promises – 12 of them, in fact. But we have no magic potion, no get-rich-quick scheme. We do have access to a great wealth of personal and recorded wisdom, and a vast supply of support and goodwill to share. But this is one of those endeavors that ultimately you really can’t get more out of than you put into. It truly is one day and one step at a time, with pain and setbacks along the way.
– What is your program of recovery?
We have our own 12 Steps, kept here: atheistcodependent.com/the-practical-12-steps-of-recovery-from-codependency/. These were originally adapted from the book Staying Sober Without God, by Jeffrey Munn. We continue to refine and improve them for our purposes. We strongly encourage those with codependent behaviors to attend our meetings, and – optionally but ideally – to share their own experiences and insights there. We find the meetings to be essential to our growth. AHA is a volunteer organization with much larger needs and opportunities to help additional people than it has resources. You’re welcome to participate in whatever ways and as much as you can. Those who volunteer find their service to be a major benefit to our own recoveries.
– Can I get advice on handling my problem?
AHA members make it a high priority to give up the common and ingrained habit of trying to control other people’s behavior. Many of us try to avoid giving advice at all, especially within the group. But we strive to be helpful in healthy ways. When someone mentions a problem that they’re having, members will often offer what they believe to be relevant approaches that have or haven’t worked for them.
MEMBERSHIP
– How can I join?
Just show up to meetings, or in our online chat, with the aim of improving the way you treat yourself and interact with others.
– I’m religious. Am I welcome?
Everyone who wants to treat themselves well and improve their relationships is welcome. We’ve had participants who have expressed faith in a “Higher Power.” We also respect that some members have been traumatized, often severely, by experiences with religion, and that no one comes to the group to be proselytized. Views critical of religion, sometimes severely critical, are expressed. We ask that no one directly contradict a specified meeting share on this or any other subject.
MEETINGS
– When and where are AHA meetings held?
Weekly meetings take place Monday through Friday, U.S. time. Other gatherings take place on weekends. The schedule is kept up to date here: http://atheistcodependent.com/meetings/ These events all generally run 80-100 minutes. They’re Zoom-only for now. We look forward to in-person meetings when they become safe.
– How do AHA meetings run?
- Themes. Some meetings start with a book excerpt or video about codependency or closely related subjects. These make up an eclectic range of works that participants have found helpful from the realms of CoDA, psychology, philosophy, and self-help. Some are listed here: http://atheistcodependent.com/resources/. Some writings that include religious references are too useful to disregard; we generally edit, play down, and overlook those references when we use the works in meetings.
Some meetings have a different broad topic each week. The discussion at still other meetings centers for months on a document such as the 12 steps, CoDA’s “Recovery Patterns of Codependency,” or a full book. We also hold a writing meeting where participants work from an open-ended prompt.
2. Shares. Most meetings are held in two main parts. The earlier part is for sharing, as at conventional 12 Step meetings. A share is an uninterrupted comment by a participant. It may address the topic for that session; but at most meetings, it can be about anything that’s on the participant’s mind.
Sharing is entirely optional. At the same time, it’s the essence of the group.
Sharing offers those listening the knowledge and comfort that they’re not alone – their problems are shared. They gain the benefit of the sharer’s experiences and observations about unhealthy patterns and changing them. Even more importantly, sharing allows those speaking to express their feelings, to be seen and heard in a safe place.
3. Fellowship. After everyone has had a chance to share, the meeting shifts (time permitting, as it always seems to) into “fellowship.” This is a looser period of back-and-forth, like “coffee time” or “parking lot” chit-chat at an in-person 12 step meeting. During this time, feedback may be given with the consent of the person whose comments will be addressed. Fellowship is a great time for newcomers to ask questions.
4. Guidelines. We’re vigilant to protect against harassment. We don’t allow unsolicited advice, or arguments directed against what another has said. During the meeting – the formal sharing – no one may interrupt or comment directly on a share, or mention someone specifically in relation to their share. (These restrictions may be relaxed in particular meetings, notably those of study groups.) A meeting may have a time limit on shares, to allow everyone a chance to speak; but in practice this has usually proven unnecessary. There’s no requirement to speak, and there are few other rules. People familiar with traditional 12 step meetings are likely to find ours less formal in tone and perhaps more intimate in content.
5. Anonymity. We safeguard members’ anonymity. Although some participants identify themselves by their full names, most use only their first names, nicknames, or pseudonyms. Meeting participants need not have their cameras on (except as may be required to identify themselves to a host, in order to prevent Zoom “bombing” attacks). A person’s presence at a meeting is not to be mentioned by others to anyone who wasn’t at the meeting.
BEYOND THE MEETINGS
– How does the group run outside meetings?
AHA has grown fast and suddenly enough that organizational structures and processes are still taking shape. We’re rewriting our 12 secular Steps using online chat and polling, in which anyone can take part.
– How do members interact outside the meetings?
AHA maintains vigorous and wide-ranging text and voice chats over the WhatsApp and Discord mobile apps. The Discord chat is divided into more than 30 channels by subject and purpose. The main WhatsApp chat, called “S.G.” for “support group,” is in some ways like a cross between a floor of an office building and a big house party, but without walls or partitions. (Be advised: WhatsApp makes the mobile number a participant registers with visible to the other participants.)
– Will I get a sponsor?
AHA, like CoDA before it, doesn’t institutionalize sponsorship, which is a pillar of Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12 step fellowships. We’re conscious of the pitfalls to those on both sides of one-on-one sponsorship: the “sponsee,” struggling to stop thinking of outside validation as life-or-death, and the sponsor, struggling to curtail a compulsion to rescue others. With these tensions in mind, though, members are free to set up sponsorship arrangements, and some have done so. We encourage members to join “buddy” pairs, or small support and study subgroups – peer arrangements that can provide some of the benefit of sponsorship while reducing risks that one-on-one relationships can create.
– How can I contribute toward expenses such as the costs of your website and Zoom account?
https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=BC9PSVXYVP6J4
– Do other organizations offer codependency meetings friendly to those who are not religious?
Yes. Tus Nua, a freethinkers multi-recovery group based in Ireland, does. The codependency meeting is on Mondays.
– Where can I get additional information about AHA?
aha.codependents@gmail.com